Blue

I am not a big fan of this time of year.  Don't get me wrong, I love the colors of the leaves changing, and I love the crisp fall air, going to have a hot coffee someplace and just sitting and talking....those things are great.  But I do not do well with the shorter days and the lack of sunlight. 

Today is one of those days where I am not sure of my place in this world.  There are family things happening, I am not sure if we will all be together this Thanksgiving (a first in all of my life) or scattered at different places.  I feel as though this is partly (mainly??) my fault, but it's too much to get into here.  Everything seems too big, too overwhelming, and I want to just make a blanket fort, grab some fluffy blankets and a tiny lamp and crawl inside.  Stay under the blankets, inside my cozy fort until I feel better.

It's like that song by Monica "It's Just One of Dem Days" (that a girl goes through).  I feel blue and inky and all around sad.

let me make it

From time to time, I go back and read old journals and I find one recurring, sad testament in them all.....my whining about my weight and my statements saying I'm going to fix the problem.  And yet, after all this time, all these years, I am still overweight.  I am almost at my heaviest (I've weighed maybe 5lbs more than I do now, which would be my heaviest), and it's sad.  I'm not getting any younger (another common theme throughout the years), and I've decided to try once more.  I have been eating differently this week, and trying to fix my brain around the things I'm eating, instead of focusing on the "after I lose" results.  Knowing myself, I'll want to "treat" myself for a job well done, and before I know it, I'll be right back where I am now.  I think I have an addiction, I really do.  There are certain foods that I love the texture of it in my mouth, like brownies, or warm chocolate chip cookies with ice cold milk.  I have to completely break myself of these things, and probably.....sadly.....stay away from them.  They are my "triggers" and would send me into a tailspin.  Maybe I can have ONE, every so often, but I think making them and keeping them at home would be a huge mistake.

I did try this one recipe for a "dessert" which is ricotta cheese (low fat), mixed with flavoring (vanilla extract, cocoa powder, etc) and artificial sweetener.  I tried it with vanilla extract, cocoa and Equal, and it did help with my sweet tooth.  I also tried lemon extract and Equal, only this time I put it in the freezer and BOOM!!  It was like lemon sorbet!!  I thought to myself last night.....I might be able to sustain this, if I keep this type of "sweet treat" around for those times I need it!

I pray to Allah that I succeed with this, and change not only the way I look and the way I feel, but also my brain and how I look at food.

Salaam!

the club

I always figured I'd be a mom.  It was sort of an unwritten thing, but it was just going to happen, because that's how things are.

Now, at the age of 44, I'm still not a mom.  Twice I was able to taste what it might feel like, but that is all it was...a taste.  When those little tastes ended, it felt like my heart was squashed down into nothing.  My breath was taken away at each memory, and anyone commenting on their pregnancy or new baby was a punch in my stomach.  For the most part, I'm past that, and am fine, but there are still days....

....days where, someone will go on and on about their kids and the things they've done, or how tired they are and need a break, and I look at them get a little angry.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't help thinking they should relish every second of that tiredness, because just outside the field of view on the sidelines, there are those of us standing silently, ashamed of what we have failed to do, who would love nothing more than to be that tired.  I'd be willing to bet if they were given a taste of life without those kids, they'd never complain again.

Of course I don't say anything.  For some reason it's too shameful to admit that failure....too raw or exposing to just say it out loud. 

I have been asked if I plan on having kids.  Who doesn't?  Except someone who doesn't want kids and usually those folks make it plain and LOUD that they won't be parents, ever.  I was 37 when I became Muslim, and I was 38 when I met my husband and we were married.  That is already closing in on the time frame where doctors all but write you off in the mommy department.  They shake their heads and cluck their tongues and talk about "advanced maternal age" and all the risks and the low percentages of success.  But why don't they talk to you in your early thirties?  Why not say "Look, your odds are going to only go downhill from this point, why not look into freezing some of those good eggs?"  Maybe I couldn't have afforded it, but maybe I could have, I'll never know.  The only thing that is ever really trotted in front of everyone are these women (usually extremely weathly or celebrities) having babies well into their forties.  No one says "donor eggs" or "massive fertility treatments" and you fall victim to believing you'll be just like that, it will be so EASY to have a baby in your forties.  Except it's not.

I've been around kids and babies since I was a baby myself.  I have older brothers and sisters and my first born nephew is a mere 4yrs older than me.  My friends started having kids when we were 18yrs old, so from then on, I've been around diapers, poop, wailing and vomit, and yet.....it's still a slap in the face when someone says, "You're not a parent, you wouldn't understand."  I don't think it takes rocket science or a baby to figure you must have consequences for bad behaviour or you'll have a kid that runs you; that babies need lots of love and hugs, and kids need explanations that are true but made into a version suitable for a 3yr old.

I guess the weather today is making me feel more melancholy, but I was reading something another Muslim sister wrote, about her family which consists of her, her husband and their kids.  Is that what family means?  Parents AND kids?  Can just a husband and wife still be considered a "family"?  I'd like nothing more to be in the "mommy club" and insha Allah (if God wills), I will be in it, although a late bloomer.  But if not, do others look at me and think that somehow I'm not complete?  I'm not really a family with just my husband and myself? 

For anyone who may read this who has kids, please keep in mind that simply because someone does not HAVE kids, does mean they don't want them, hasn't tried to have them, or has actually gotten that double line on a pregnancy test, only to have it end a few months later.  There may be, just beneath the surface and hidden by a smile, a world of heartbreak and loss so great it would crush you, that you simply know nothing about. 

Fall is here

This past weekend was chilly, then cold.  I like cooler weather, but I like a lot of sun at the same time.  I guess Fall weather with July sunshine would be perfect for me!

I'm feeling rather blue today, maybe because I had a very bad sinus (maybe migraine?!) headache all weekend.  We had company from MD and I wish I had felt better.....I would have been maybe a bit more fun.  There is also a little bit of family drama, but what family would function withOUT a little bit of drama now and then?  Still, it makes me sad when everyone isn't getting along. 

The days are getting shorter, and colder, and that always affects me in not such good ways.  I think I have that sunshine withdraw disorder.  It's almost 10am right now and I feel like I could easily go right home, crawl under the down comforter and stay there all day.

I hope everyone out there is warm and happy.  Let's pray for some sunshine next!